Something came over me as I watched a movie tonight. In the movie, the main character, a British woman, says that it's primative to marry someone that you don't love and just marry because it's a duty.
She ends up marrying a British bacteriologist. She does not do it because she loves him but does it to get away from her family. He claims to love her.
She has an affair. The husband discovers this. He says he will divorce or she can come to a cholera ridden town in China with him.
She goes. They do not talk for most of the movie. They dance a delicate dance around each other... hating one another for different reasons.
The way that they were able to find love seemed more real to me than in other movies.
I thought to myself....is this how it will be with me?
Than I got to thinking a little more.
I don't feel that I'll ever be capable of being a wife.
Not because I wouldn't be loyal... cause I would be.
Not because I wouldn't treat him fairly.. cause I would.
But, because I don't think I have it in me.
Perhaps it's the lack of motivation at the moment... but I doubt that... I have felt this way for some time.
It's like I'm incapable of creating a loving bond with someone.
I push.
away.
I remember a boy that I was seeing once told me, "You're going to make a great wife someday."
I giggled and felt that we were playing some game. I asked him in a playful tone, "Why do you say that?"
He said that there was no reason behind it. He just felt how he felt.
Whether or not he ever ment anything by it, I'll never know.
I had emotional issues.
Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Either way, he was gone.
In the end, they'll all be gone.
