The Weather Outside is Frightful... and it Ain't No Different in Here

The holiday season is here yet again. The lights, the music, the gift giving, the tenderness is all around. Along with the holidays comes the usual depression. I don't know exactly how to pin point it or how it comes about. I suppose the holidays serve as a constant reminder of how un-important I feel... how I could leave today and no one or nothing would need to change because no one depends on me. I have my turtles, but they could go on just fine without me, plus, I feel like they don't give a crap about me because one of them bit me the other day.
I thought I had Bubba, but was told that he's not mine. His mother was given to me as a gift, but she was not mine either.
If you have nothing to hold onto then you have nothing to let go of.
Maybe it's the weather. It's dark and I enjoy the sunlight.
Maybe it's because I've been alone so long. I'm not worth anyone's time and no one cares to get to know me better.
I feel like I'm Andrea's friend by default. She has Dean and Kayla. If I wasn't around she would find someone else to go shopping with.
I feel un-needed and unwanted.
My students are the only thing keeping me together. Not because they love me. Not because they want me around... but because I feel like they need me. They need me to learn. Only problem is, that I don't feel like I'm any good at that. I feel that if they were with any other teacher they would be learning SO much more... but they got stuck with me and are going to be SOL in middle school.

It's just frustrating.
I need someone to need me.
I never meet anyone. I never go anywhere.
How am I supposed to meet anyone. I don't want to go alone but don't have the friends to go with me.

It's a never ending battle that I feel I won't win.
How will this end?

On top of all this crap.... I'm scared now because of the lump on my head. I have headaches and I have distorted vision. I am fatigued. How am I to know if this is being caused by a tumor or lack of sleep and rest?
I suppose I could go to the doctor...
but the thing is... I don't want to know what he's going to say.
If I was dying, I don't think I'd want to know. I'd think about it too much. I just want to die and not know that it's going to happen.
I mean, look how much I'm already thinking about it and I don't even know if it's anything at all. :cp

I need to figure this all out.

Painted Veil

Something came over me as I watched a movie tonight. In the movie, the main character, a British woman, says that it's primative to marry someone that you don't love and just marry because it's a duty.
She ends up marrying a British bacteriologist. She does not do it because she loves him but does it to get away from her family. He claims to love her.
She has an affair. The husband discovers this. He says he will divorce or she can come to a cholera ridden town in China with him.
She goes. They do not talk for most of the movie. They dance a delicate dance around each other... hating one another for different reasons.
The way that they were able to find love seemed more real to me than in other movies.

I thought to myself....is this how it will be with me?
Than I got to thinking a little more.
I don't feel that I'll ever be capable of being a wife.
Not because I wouldn't be loyal... cause I would be.
Not because I wouldn't treat him fairly.. cause I would.

But, because I don't think I have it in me.
Perhaps it's the lack of motivation at the moment... but I doubt that... I have felt this way for some time.
It's like I'm incapable of creating a loving bond with someone. 
I push.
away.

I remember a boy that I was seeing once told me, "You're going to make a great wife someday."
I giggled and felt that we were playing some game. I asked him in a playful tone, "Why do you say that?"
He said that there was no reason behind it. He just felt how he felt.
Whether or not he ever ment anything by it, I'll never know.

I had emotional issues.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Either way, he was gone.

In the end, they'll all be gone.