The holiday season is here yet again. The lights, the music, the gift giving, the tenderness is all around. Along with the holidays comes the usual depression. I don't know exactly how to pin point it or how it comes about. I suppose the holidays serve as a constant reminder of how un-important I feel... how I could leave today and no one or nothing would need to change because no one depends on me. I have my turtles, but they could go on just fine without me, plus, I feel like they don't give a crap about me because one of them bit me the other day.
I thought I had Bubba, but was told that he's not mine. His mother was given to me as a gift, but she was not mine either.
If you have nothing to hold onto then you have nothing to let go of.
Maybe it's the weather. It's dark and I enjoy the sunlight.
Maybe it's because I've been alone so long. I'm not worth anyone's time and no one cares to get to know me better.
I feel like I'm Andrea's friend by default. She has Dean and Kayla. If I wasn't around she would find someone else to go shopping with.
I feel un-needed and unwanted.
My students are the only thing keeping me together. Not because they love me. Not because they want me around... but because I feel like they need me. They need me to learn. Only problem is, that I don't feel like I'm any good at that. I feel that if they were with any other teacher they would be learning SO much more... but they got stuck with me and are going to be SOL in middle school.
It's just frustrating.
I need someone to need me.
I never meet anyone. I never go anywhere.
How am I supposed to meet anyone. I don't want to go alone but don't have the friends to go with me.
It's a never ending battle that I feel I won't win.
How will this end?
On top of all this crap.... I'm scared now because of the lump on my head. I have headaches and I have distorted vision. I am fatigued. How am I to know if this is being caused by a tumor or lack of sleep and rest?
I suppose I could go to the doctor...
but the thing is... I don't want to know what he's going to say.
If I was dying, I don't think I'd want to know. I'd think about it too much. I just want to die and not know that it's going to happen.
I mean, look how much I'm already thinking about it and I don't even know if it's anything at all. :cp
I need to figure this all out.
I thought I had Bubba, but was told that he's not mine. His mother was given to me as a gift, but she was not mine either.
If you have nothing to hold onto then you have nothing to let go of.
Maybe it's the weather. It's dark and I enjoy the sunlight.
Maybe it's because I've been alone so long. I'm not worth anyone's time and no one cares to get to know me better.
I feel like I'm Andrea's friend by default. She has Dean and Kayla. If I wasn't around she would find someone else to go shopping with.
I feel un-needed and unwanted.
My students are the only thing keeping me together. Not because they love me. Not because they want me around... but because I feel like they need me. They need me to learn. Only problem is, that I don't feel like I'm any good at that. I feel that if they were with any other teacher they would be learning SO much more... but they got stuck with me and are going to be SOL in middle school.
It's just frustrating.
I need someone to need me.
I never meet anyone. I never go anywhere.
How am I supposed to meet anyone. I don't want to go alone but don't have the friends to go with me.
It's a never ending battle that I feel I won't win.
How will this end?
On top of all this crap.... I'm scared now because of the lump on my head. I have headaches and I have distorted vision. I am fatigued. How am I to know if this is being caused by a tumor or lack of sleep and rest?
I suppose I could go to the doctor...
but the thing is... I don't want to know what he's going to say.
If I was dying, I don't think I'd want to know. I'd think about it too much. I just want to die and not know that it's going to happen.
I mean, look how much I'm already thinking about it and I don't even know if it's anything at all. :cp
I need to figure this all out.
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