The One Who Never Talks About What is Wrong

Sometimes life just throws all it can at you. Just when you think it's done, something else happens.

I thought I had things figured out. Everything was set and on track. 
I was going to get my credentials by next summer. 
I was going to get a loan that would help me through that.
Whether or not I didn't have a boyfriend did not matter.
I would get a job teaching next fall. 
Move out by the following fall.

How easily it can all get jumbled. 
I'm not getting the loan amount that I needed. Something happened.
I don't know how I'm going to pay the bills. 
I don't know how I'm going to be able to finish the credential program. 

On top of that, I'm terrified cause I got a call from the City of Hope, saying that I might be a potential match to a dieing man. I want to help him, but it's scary at the same time. I may or may not be a real match. I'd like to be so I can help him if I can. If I am though, people tell me how painful it is to get your bone marrow taken out, and that's scary.

I've got a lot of homework to do.
Why I'm on here typing is beyond me.
Wait... it's not.... it's cause I don't want to tell anyone else how scared I am. About everything.

The holidays are near. Thanksgiving was today. I was looking forward to it. It didn't turn out too bad. The only bad thing that happened was that my mom thought we didn't want her there. I just don't get her sometimes. She doesn't understand. I don't understand. She has someone. She has my dad. It's not like he was sitting there chatting with anyone. 
I don't know. 
She left early and didn't tell anyone that she was leaving. She just took off. Arg. It can be so frustrating. It's Thanksgiving, we're supposed to be thankful for the people around us. 
Maybe I wasn't alert enough tonight. I don't know. My mind hasn't been where it's supposed to be. Maybe I wasn't paying her enough attention.


Gosh, I'm feeling negative.
I really didn't want to be.
I am thankful for so much in my life. It's so confusing. How is it that I can be so unhappy and thankful at the same time?

Feeling Unreal

Lately, I've been feeling slightly detached from reality. It's a weird feeling to place.
Conversations seem to be one sided. I listen and hear, but feel as though a world apart from the speaker.
Recalling memories of times long ago seem unreal and dream like.

Relationships with others seem awkward and almost unnatural... as though I've never known them at all but I feel bonded to them to a certain degree.

I feel as though I'm slipping into depression. Although the feelings of depression are not uncommon to me, something feels different this time.

I feel like Descartes, questioning my existence. The only thing I can trust is real is my being. What is my being though? If death occurred, would my "being" cease to exist? Is this not the age old question that we've been asking for centuries? Perhaps I am not real though. Where would that leave life as a whole; a bunch of non-existent people making non-existent connections.

My God, how I yearn for a connection... how we all yearn for a connection! Something that ties us to another that is beyond physical and emotional; something spiritual. Something bigger than the involved cannot comprehend but can feel... somewhere deep within themselves... something they've never felt before.
I feel that death is but a heartbeat away; so close I can taste it; so far that it cannot be understood