It's happened again. Someone is upset with you for something you've done, or perhaps something you haven't done. We've all been in this situation before, either as the accuser or the accused. Many times, when we are being attacked, we do what the majority of us do, we either attack back or we sit in silence, letting our anger boil. What we don't realize when we are in these situations, is that neither reaction is very effective because it doesn't get to the root of the problem.
They say that hindsight is 20/20 and that it's easier to give advice than it is to take it. Why is this? It's because we are able to view the situation from the outside. It's easier to understand once you're able to look at the situation from another perspective.
Just the other day, I saw a great example of this.
Person #1 was trying to be helpful, but wasn't being very effective. Person #2 comes along and realizes that they forgot to do something, which in turn, would cause them to go out of their way to take care of it. This realization made Person #2 angry with themselves. Person #1 is still chugging along and Person #2 proceeds to get upset with Person #1 because they aren't doing something the right way. Now BOTH Person #1 and Person #2 are upset.
As an outsider, I was able to see the way the situation escalated. I was also able to see that both people were at fault in this situation. Person #2 wrongfully took out their anger wrongfully. Person #1 reacted off Person #1's anger without looking at the situation. Maybe Person #1 was unaware of Person #2's source of anger, but wouldn't it be easier just to ask?
People, in general, don't like to be angry. So, there has to be something that we can do to fix this. But what?
As yet another saying goes, things are easier said than done. Here is my suggestion: remove yourself from the situation. I don't mean that you should walk out of the room and ignore your partner in anger (I am guilty of this, but I do believe that this can be an effective strategy if both people involved understand that it is not "running away", but rather a way to get a clear mind and remove yourself from the anger monster and view things from both perspectives). Once we are able to remove ourselves from the situation, we can find a way to look deeper to the source of problem. Maybe they just had a bad day. Maybe someone said something that hurt them. Maybe they are seeking love. It doesn't hurt to ask them questions as to why they are angry. I wouldn't recommend this while'll they are still yelling... that doesn't usually turn out as planned. Rather, wait until the storm has passed and wait to react until you've given them the benefit of the doubt.
You may start to ask yourself, "Why is their anger being taken out on me?"
Many years ago, I read an article that stated, "anger stems from love". I reread this article several times to try to make sense of it (if I find it, I might post a copy of it on here). It took me a long while, but slowly, over the years, I have realized that there is truth in that statement. It sounds weird to think that love could be capable of creating such a monstrosity such as anger... but look around you and will also come to that realization.
People get mad from self love (when their ego is hurt or when they fear that their ego will get hurt). People also get mad when love is in danger (fear of either losing a loved one physically or emotionally).
With the knowledge that love is at the root of anger, we can begin to look at anger in another light. When our loved ones are angry with us, it's only because they love us that they take their anger out on us. This by no means, makes anger a good thing, but it does let us take a step back to think, "Wait a minute. He/She is angry with me. They must care about something enough to get angry about this. They aren't angry with me. They love me. Something must have happened to create this anger. I don't need to get angry because I don't need to fuel their fire. I will let them vent and they I will find the source of their anger."
Again, easier said than done... but most things worth doing aren't easy.
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