Removing Ourselves

     It's happened again. Someone is upset with you for something you've done, or perhaps something you haven't done. We've all been in this situation before, either as the accuser or the accused. Many times, when we are being attacked, we do what the majority of us do, we either attack back or we sit in silence, letting our anger boil. What we don't realize when we are in these situations, is that neither reaction is very effective because it doesn't get to the root of the problem.
     They say that hindsight is 20/20 and that it's easier to give advice than it is to take it. Why is this? It's because we are able to view the situation from the outside. It's easier to understand once you're able to look at the situation from another perspective.
     Just the other day, I saw a great example of this. 
Person #1 was trying to be helpful, but wasn't being very effective. Person #2 comes along and realizes that they forgot to do something, which in turn, would cause them to go out of their way to take care of it. This realization made Person #2 angry with themselves. Person #1 is still chugging along and Person #2 proceeds to get upset with Person #1 because they aren't doing something the right way. Now BOTH Person #1 and Person #2 are upset.
     As an outsider, I was able to see the way the situation escalated. I was also able to see that both people were at fault in this situation. Person #2 wrongfully took out their anger wrongfully. Person #1 reacted off Person #1's anger without looking at the situation. Maybe Person #1 was unaware of Person #2's source of anger, but wouldn't it be easier just to ask?
     People, in general, don't like to be angry. So, there has to be something that we can do to fix this. But what?
    As yet another saying goes, things are easier said than done. Here is my suggestion: remove yourself from the situation. I don't mean that you should walk out of the room and ignore your partner in anger (I am guilty of this, but I do believe that this can be an effective strategy if both people involved understand that it is not "running away",  but rather a way to get a clear mind and remove yourself from the anger monster and view things from both perspectives). Once we are able to remove ourselves from the situation, we can find a way to look deeper to the source of problem. Maybe they just had a bad day. Maybe someone said something that hurt them. Maybe they are seeking love. It doesn't hurt to ask them questions as to why they are angry. I wouldn't recommend this while'll they are still yelling... that doesn't usually turn out as planned. Rather, wait until the storm has passed and wait to react until you've given them the benefit of the doubt. 
     You may start to ask yourself, "Why is their anger being taken out on me?"


     Many years ago, I read an article that stated, "anger stems from love". I reread this article several times to try to make sense of it (if I find it, I might post a copy of it on here). It took me a long while, but slowly, over the years, I have realized that there is truth in that statement. It sounds weird to think that love could be capable of creating such a monstrosity such as anger... but look around you and will also come to that realization.
People get mad from self love (when their ego is hurt or when they fear that their ego will get hurt). People also get mad when love is in danger (fear of either losing a loved one physically or emotionally). 
     With the knowledge that love is at the root of anger, we can begin to look at anger in another light. When our loved ones are angry with us, it's only because they love us that they take their anger out on us. This by no means, makes anger a good thing, but it does let us take a step back to think, "Wait a minute. He/She is angry with me. They must care about something enough to get angry about this. They aren't angry with me. They love me. Something must have happened to create this anger. I don't need to get angry because I don't need to fuel their fire. I will let them vent and they I will find the source of their anger." 


Again, easier said than done... but most things worth doing aren't easy.

Expectations Lead Us to Failure

     The other week a friend of mine was talking about her fiancée getting a new car and she was thinking about selling hers, leaving them with one car. She said she was leery about doing this. I knew what she would say but I asked her, "Why?" anyhow. She said, "What if something happens and we don't stay together?"


This got me thinking, probably WAY too much, about what would cause her and many other women to question the validity of their relationships.


     I don't even know where to begin with this! I've been thinking about it for over a week and my thoughts are still jumbled. I suppose I'll start with what I had originally thought about this.
Has society changed SO much that people have become so exchangeable? Maybe exchangeable isn't the right word but I'm sticking with it. 
No... this isn't right! I can't get the words from my head onto the screen!


     Let me start somewhere else.


     In the society that we live in, it has become very easy to leave someone, because we can very easily find someone else to replace them. It happens over and over again. We start relationships and then they end for some reason or another. Divorce has become an easy out. Not many people are willing to work together to make things work. It's too much work to do that and it's easier to find someone else that will take you as you are for a short time (even though it's really not much easier, in my opinion)


     Are both the women and men equally responsible for this? I got to thinking about the expectations that women have... because women usually are the ones that get the ball rolling... either from being upset about something because the man didn't do something or another... or he did something that they didn't like. Women put MANY many expectations on men. 
I'm trying to figure out where these expectations come from. Women didn't always require so many things from men. Something happened over time to change these expectations.
Why is this? Is it these expectations that are causing the decline in relationships?


     From an early age, girls watch various movies and read various books that tend to have a common theme. There is a girl/woman who falls in love with the perfect man (which there is never much description about... the men tend to be these mindless beings that fall all over the girls) and then they have some sort of obstacle where the man proves his love and they end up living happily ever after. These stories lead girls to think about the man they will fall in love with. They think about how perfect he will be... how perfect their relationship will be together. Thus begins the search for the "perfect" man.
     After a slue of relationships that are failures, women start to create new expectations that are almost impossible for any man to fill. It is understandable to have some expectations out of a relationship... but I think that women take it a little too far (I am guilty of this as well). Women begin to see men as these mindless creatures that aren't following the "rules" because they want to upset them. Everything that they do, or don't do seems to be done on purpose. What fails to be acknowledged is that men are human. 
"To err is human." (Alexander Pope)
Men don't even know what these expectations are because women don't want to tell them. They should just know what they should be doing. How is this fair?


Women then tend to begin relationships with the expectation that the man is going to fuck up. The relationship is doomed before it even starts. Is it this expectation that causes the relationship to fail? We don't start our friendships with the same idea in mind... and those tend to last a lifetime.


     One thing that many women expect is that their boyfriends/husbands will end up cheating on them. Why do women believe this? Well, for thousands of years men have been cheating on women and we hear about it ALL the time. Now, we can even hear about it on the nightly news! What people have failed to recognize, is that women have also been cheating on men for thousands of years. We just don't hear about it. Why is that?


     Point of this blog?


     When there is a job to be done people tend to expect the job to get done and that the job will be done well. If we don't expect it to go well, it usually doesn't. We are told what is expected and we do what we can to do the best that we can.
     What we expect out of relationships tends to disappoint men and women alike. Why do we create these expectations without telling our partners what we expect? Romantic relationships tend to be the only situation where people don't share their expectations. Why is that?


Both the women and the men need to be more verbal and realistic in the expectations of their partner. Understand that there is no such thing as the "perfect man" or "perfect woman" because NO one is perfect. We can work with each other to make something that is really good but we will forever be doomed for failure if we keep expecting too much and leave no room for error.  

Journal Writing

Most of us have been there before... A teacher or professor requires you to keep a journal for the class. When this happens, we tend to complain and b.s. the whole thing.
Well, many, many years ago (geez... I think it was 2002! How time flies!!) when I was attending COD my Acting professor required the students to keep a journal. I decided to take this task seriously because he put a little spin on the way that we were to write our journals. There was a mission in mind. We actually had journal entries to choose from and missions to accomplish.

Being who I am, I tend not to throw things away.

In my "Day Twenty-Six" I chose to write about "Little Joys in My Life".

It's amazing how many things change but how many things stay the same.

Here is the entry:

     "This may not seem like a joy to you, but every time I think of it, it makes me smile. When I was in high school, my mom would always put on my make-up for school dances. Well, when it came time for her to put on the lip liner we would both burst into laughter. I don't know why it was so funny, but it was and I think back to that as a joy. I don't remember my mom laughing that much in so long.

     Another joy is when I walk out to my car to find that someone has left me a note. When someone takes the time to think of you and write you a note, it is very special.

     Another joy is being able to sleep and wake up with the person that you love sleeping next to.

     Sitting down in the living room and watching a movie with the whole family.

     When my family are all together for dinner.

     When I put my music on full blast and my mom and I dance to it as we clean the house.

     When I go on car rides with my dad because during those times he tells me about what's going on in his life.

     When I get to read a book by the fireplace during winter.

     When I find out that one of my coworkers has been dieing to talk to me at work and they attack me with words upon arrival.

     When I go to sleep thinking that I won't have anything to eat for breakfast, but when I wake up I find that my mom has made me some waffles.

     These are only a few things that bring joy to my life... there are a billion more, but I don't want to bore you!"


As I read this journal entry I couldn't help but smile when I remembered these things taking place.

It's SO very important to remember the little joys that happen in our lives. Those joys are the things that keep us going when we're down.

Finding this journal has inspired me to do some of the things it asked to do. I don't want to share what it is yet, cause I don't want to give it away. :o)

I challenge you to think about this.
What are some of the little joys in your life?

What Do Women Want?

Started writing this at work the other day (appears as though I'm getting more and more time to do whatever I want at work). It's not completely finished yet, but I thought I'd post what I have so far.

     This morning I woke up to the sound of my ipod playing a song that immediately got me thinking about something.

     The song was about someone being sorry and begging for their lover to take them back. I thought... that's what I wanted. Then I thought... that's what most women want. Give me a minute and I'll explain.

     I then got to thinking about an episode of Dexter where Dex and Rita break up. (If you're not a Dexter watcher... you need to hop on the boat). Rita tells Dex to leave. He does. When he gets back to his apartment, his sister Deb is there. She tells Dex that he's a "fucking dumb ass" and that he needs to go back because that is what Rita really wants. Deb was right. Not just about Rita, but about the majority of women.

     I'm about to unleash a secret, which once said is going to seem obvious.
What do women want?
They want to be needed.
They want to feel needed.
They want someone to need them.
No matter how you word it, it's all the same.
Sound simple and complicated at the same time?
Well... that's a woman. :o)

     The way that women go about getting what they want is where things start getting complicated or confusing.
Some women choose men that they know are going to be dependent on them. Some women choose to jump from man to man because in the very first moments of attraction, the woman feels wanted and therefore needed.
If you look at any woman's actions, you can find that at the root of it, there is a want to be needed.

     Returning to the previous example from Dexter, women do this a lot. They want the man to run back to them. To women, this is one of the greatest displays of dependence a man can show. It's giving the man freedom to choose and proving that she is really what the man needs. It's almost like a little test that women constantly place on men. This is, by no means, a good thing. As a woman, I know that I am guilty of it myself. Women will continue to do this though because of their innate desire to be needed.

     Perhaps it has something to do with the maternal nature that women are born with or that are placed on them from the world around them. Nature vs. nurture.
With this said, women tend to make themselves the victims of broken relationships. The men are the reasons for breaking their hearts, when the reality is that it is the woman's need to be needed and the preconceptions that women have about men that are the real cause of broken relationships.
I do not claim that this is ALWAYS the case, but I believe that this is what happens the majority of the time.

     Women and/or the media have created this image of men that portrays them as emotionless individuals that are almost incapable of remotely feeling anything similar to what women feel. They are pigs and they are not to be trusted.
     I have to disagree with this image that is being portrayed. Men have the same wants and needs as women. We are all human. Men and women just have a different way of showing emotion and do different things to get what they want.



That is where I left it. I have LOADS more to say on this but feel that sleep is more important at this time. :o)

How Do We Choose the One We're With?

So many times, working at a jewelry store, where couples come in all the time, I wonder what draws these people together.
There have been many cases where I think, "You two are a couple? How the hell did that happen?!" Either the man seems more attractive than the woman, or the woman more attractive than the man. Or one is personable while the other seems upset or unfriendly.

What is it exactly, that leads people to a relationship with a particular person?

There is something that I think I'm missing here. I understand that personality is the ultimate deciding factor in whether or not people stay with each other... but sometimes I wonder...

My only guess is that their relationship is based on previous years of friendship and then they just ended up together. Or that the other person lacks the confidence to believe they could be with someone better (and I don't mean someone more attractive... I mean someone who will treat them better). For example, I was helping a couple the other day. They were looking for his wedding band. He told his woman what he liked and she told him that what he liked wasn't an option. She kept pushing him to like a different kind of band. He continued to disagree... for awhile... but then finally gave in to her consistent nagging. I just sat there thinking... why are you putting up with this?! You're gonna have to deal with this in every future decision that you want to make!

Another example, a couple comes in. The woman is begging (or what seemed more like telling) he boyfriend to consider something and if he didn't, she wasn't going to be happy. She wouldn't even acknowledge my existence when I said hello. He looked irritated by her and said hello to me. I asked him how I could help. She got pissed off and walked away.

I understand that people have bad days... but come on... really?

I'm honestly curious... how do people get together and how do they end up staying together even when it's a bad partnership?
Is it comfort? Is it a lack of caring? Is it because they people in the relationship are willing to put up with the other persons shit because they really do care about them?


I just don't know.

I Won't Hurt Myself This Time

As I was searching for something in my junk drawer, I came across a notepad. On that notepad was something I needed reminded of.
Let me explain.

A little over a year ago, I started reading a book titled, Are You the One For Me? Kind of corny sounding. Yes. I know. I bought it because I thought it would help me understand who I was so I could be ready for the right person when they came along. The book is interactive and kind of works as a workbook. There were quite a few exercises that needed to be written down.

This is where the notebook comes in.

One of these exercises requires the reader to write down all of the things they disliked about past partners they were in a serious relationship with and after writing them all down, you look to see any similarities.


Ultimately, everyone who is still searching for that "someone" is probably having a hard time because they keep seeking out the same person.


A friend of mine told me just recently that I put up with a lot more than I should and that I do it to the point of getting hurt most of the time. This time I'm stopping it. I'm not going to put up with this cow poo. 
I'm living for me and no one else.
I'm seeking happiness for myself, not through others. 

Selfish? Why, of Course We Are!

Thinking about ALL of the relationships that are out there, I realize one thing. The only reason we build relationships with others is for selfish reasons.

Whether it's just for the companionship or if we believe we will get something out of it. We think, "How can being in a relationship with this person benefit me?"  I don't believe this is something that we consciously think about. Well... some of us might... but it's still interesting to think about.

I don't know that this works so well with family members because we're born into that relationship. There is probably some sort of selfishness in that as well.

Think about who your friends are and what you get out of being friends with them. I'll bet you'll realize that you are being a little selfish.

Kind of makes you feel bad and thankful at the same time.

History Repeats Itself

 Events in my life have caused me to act a certain way. I have begun going out quite often. I have been making many new friends. This is what happens after every breakup I've ever been through. I realized that there is a cycle...
   - I'm sad
   - I'm angry
   - I go out to meet new people. I am more wild than my normal self. I meet someone of the opposite sex and become more fun. I have no expectations of this person and don't create any type of emotional bond with them. Somehow, I think I become more attractive to someone because I become a carefree lady.
   - I slowly become less attracted to the individual. I end up hurting them.
   - I become depressed.
   - I live in solitude.
   - I become lonely.
   - I get in a relationship.
   - I fuck it up.
   - Cycle starts again.

Is there a way to break this cycle? Does history always have to repeat itself?

At least I have finally realized that I do this to myself. I suppose the first step to breaking a cycle is to realize that there is a cycle; that there is something that needs to be changed.

What is the next step though? Where do I go from here? I am on the verge of slipping into the depression stage. I just want to crawl into a ball and hide away from life.

The more I think about it, the more I see that at any stage of this cycle could be changed. We can all change the vicious cycles of our lives if we take some time to see where we are in that cycle and do something to change it.

If I am starting to feel depressed and want to sink into solitude... I won't let myself. It's difficult, but any type of change is going to be. We just need to plow through it.

We all seek happiness. If we haven't found it yet, it's probably because we keep repeating the past.

The Weather Outside is Frightful... and it Ain't No Different in Here

The holiday season is here yet again. The lights, the music, the gift giving, the tenderness is all around. Along with the holidays comes the usual depression. I don't know exactly how to pin point it or how it comes about. I suppose the holidays serve as a constant reminder of how un-important I feel... how I could leave today and no one or nothing would need to change because no one depends on me. I have my turtles, but they could go on just fine without me, plus, I feel like they don't give a crap about me because one of them bit me the other day.
I thought I had Bubba, but was told that he's not mine. His mother was given to me as a gift, but she was not mine either.
If you have nothing to hold onto then you have nothing to let go of.
Maybe it's the weather. It's dark and I enjoy the sunlight.
Maybe it's because I've been alone so long. I'm not worth anyone's time and no one cares to get to know me better.
I feel like I'm Andrea's friend by default. She has Dean and Kayla. If I wasn't around she would find someone else to go shopping with.
I feel un-needed and unwanted.
My students are the only thing keeping me together. Not because they love me. Not because they want me around... but because I feel like they need me. They need me to learn. Only problem is, that I don't feel like I'm any good at that. I feel that if they were with any other teacher they would be learning SO much more... but they got stuck with me and are going to be SOL in middle school.

It's just frustrating.
I need someone to need me.
I never meet anyone. I never go anywhere.
How am I supposed to meet anyone. I don't want to go alone but don't have the friends to go with me.

It's a never ending battle that I feel I won't win.
How will this end?

On top of all this crap.... I'm scared now because of the lump on my head. I have headaches and I have distorted vision. I am fatigued. How am I to know if this is being caused by a tumor or lack of sleep and rest?
I suppose I could go to the doctor...
but the thing is... I don't want to know what he's going to say.
If I was dying, I don't think I'd want to know. I'd think about it too much. I just want to die and not know that it's going to happen.
I mean, look how much I'm already thinking about it and I don't even know if it's anything at all. :cp

I need to figure this all out.

Painted Veil

Something came over me as I watched a movie tonight. In the movie, the main character, a British woman, says that it's primative to marry someone that you don't love and just marry because it's a duty.
She ends up marrying a British bacteriologist. She does not do it because she loves him but does it to get away from her family. He claims to love her.
She has an affair. The husband discovers this. He says he will divorce or she can come to a cholera ridden town in China with him.
She goes. They do not talk for most of the movie. They dance a delicate dance around each other... hating one another for different reasons.
The way that they were able to find love seemed more real to me than in other movies.

I thought to myself....is this how it will be with me?
Than I got to thinking a little more.
I don't feel that I'll ever be capable of being a wife.
Not because I wouldn't be loyal... cause I would be.
Not because I wouldn't treat him fairly.. cause I would.

But, because I don't think I have it in me.
Perhaps it's the lack of motivation at the moment... but I doubt that... I have felt this way for some time.
It's like I'm incapable of creating a loving bond with someone. 
I push.
away.

I remember a boy that I was seeing once told me, "You're going to make a great wife someday."
I giggled and felt that we were playing some game. I asked him in a playful tone, "Why do you say that?"
He said that there was no reason behind it. He just felt how he felt.
Whether or not he ever ment anything by it, I'll never know.

I had emotional issues.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Either way, he was gone.

In the end, they'll all be gone.